smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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