I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
