I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
