Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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