Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
