dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
