i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
