never play flip cup with pint glasses
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
