Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize