I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
