I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
