my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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