What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
