....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
