I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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