he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
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