My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
