i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
