I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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