I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
