I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
