I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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