hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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