Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My ATM looks so different sober.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
