While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
