apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
