This is not my ceiling
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
