:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize