P.S. I can't hear my feet
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
