You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
