I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
