so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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