I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
