do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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