he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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