I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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