so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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