We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
