Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
