Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
