I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's never too late to be topless.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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