and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
