I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize