I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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