My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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