I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
