I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
