Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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