I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
