Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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