I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
