I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
