maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
