I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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