six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
