sarcasm needs its own font
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
