We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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