I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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