Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
