Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we're chasing vodka with high fives
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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