Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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