whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
