I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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