woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When did angry sex become our thing?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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