my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
